Upgrading your sex toy expectations

“Do you like toys?”

I had never been asked the question before, but I had an answer.

“No.”

Or that’s at least what my gut told me at the time. I’ve definitely tried it. It’s just that I’ve always preferred the feel of a real penis than a toy and that alone has kept me from buying another sex toy for years. The question provoked me, though, wanting me to reexamine my relationship to sex toys. Was it time to give sex toys another try?

I fumbled under my bed and pulled out my long-forgotten war chest of tools. When I collected each of these pieces, I remember buying them online when no one was responding to my Grindr messages, somewhere close to midnight when my loneliness and horniness seemed to peak in a frighteningly uncomfortable way.

I can’t remember the last time I gave each of these toys a check-up, but the dust motes released in the air from just holding them up made me think it’s been quite a while. I told myself after a couple hundred dollars in sex toys, that I knew how this ends: there’s nothing that’ll satisfy me the same way as a real penis does. So, like a smart person does, I gave up trying to make today’s dollars solve last night’s problem.

But this time, looking at my sex toys felt different. I wasn’t horny. I swear I wasn’t. I was curious. And that’s when something shifted inside of me — maybe the experience can be more rewarding if I am guided by the expectation to learn and discover than to find a replacement for an actual penis.

So, I popped in new 4LLR4 and C-type batteries for a remote and dildo.

I spread antibacterial and antifungal agent Triclosan foam along the ridges of all of the dildos, along the curves of the butt plugs, and inside the cavernous fleshlight.

I threw away the vibrator that was beyond repair.

On a clean towel, the spread of toys peered back up at me. I picked each one up and examined it like it was a pony with a different trick. A thought then came sweeping to me: I have a dildo. I know what that does. I have a vibrator. I know what that does. There must be a toy that puts both of them together. And there I was searching again on the web, but this time finding toys that did all sorts of things that I had no idea.

Dildos these days can be self-warming.

They can thrust.

They can suction to walls, mirrors, and bedframes.

They can squirt inside of you.

There had been so many advancements in toys since I last looked, I realized that I had not kept up with how far the market has moved. And that’s why this Valentine’s Day my advice to you is similar. Give it a try. You never know what pony might have the trick that’s perfect for you.

Although, some things about sex toys have never changed.

Look for transparency from the company on the materials used to make the toy. I don’t want any products made of toxic chemicals, such as phthalates. Instead, I look for safe options such as 100% silicone, glass, surgical steel, sealed ceramic, and medical grade plastics. If the product has a chemical or plastic smell to it, that’s not good. It might be made of toxic materials and is probably not safe to use inside your body.

Check out the reviews for each product. I always look to see how other people like the product. Do they say it’s comfortable to use? Is it easy to clean and maintain? Did they enjoy using it? These are all things to look for in a review. You might not find the perfect toy right away, but with a little patience and persistence, you can.

Be sure you know how to clean it. Not all sex toys are created equally, and they all have different cleaning instructions. Before buying, I always ask what kind of soap and water can be used, and how best to dry it. I also want to know if it can be used with lube, and if so, what kinds.

But most importantly, please, don’t make the mistake I did thinking that sex toys will replace a penis. Instead, change your mindset to focus on how it’s a way to pleasure yourself and become more curious about what you like. Expecting it to be something it’s not, will only bring disappointment and distance yourself from the gift of what it actually offers.