The first time I heard about fisting, I thought: No. No, no, no. Never going to happen.

But ten or so years later I was playing with a really, REALLY hot guy, and he really wanted to fist me. I really wanted to give him what he wanted, so I gave it my best shot, but I just wasn’t ready. I decided I never wanted to be in that situation again—so badly wanting to give a sexual partner something they want me to give them, but absolutely unable to.

So I went on a mission to train my ass to take a fist.

If you’ve never been fisted (or fisted someone) before, you might think it’s not for you. Or that you have to be some sort of superhuman or freak to enjoy it. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

It can be (if done right) utterly mind-blowing.

Like all kinds of sex, it’s partly mental and partly physical. Part of what can make kink so attractive is that you’re deviating from what people think of as “appropriate” or “right.” There’s an exotic and erotic power to it. You’re fueled by a desire to push your desire as far as you can. A huge part of it for me—especially in the beginning—was the mind fuck of “I’ve got someone’s fist in my ass!”

A big part of fisting is intuition and instinct. But there are a few things you can do to make your fisting experiences more enjoyable. Here are my best tips on taking care of your ass if you want to try fisting.

Step 1: Find the right lube

You’re going to need lots of lube. Start trying out different brands of lube with a toy to see which ones you like. A lot of people use J-Lube. J-Lube comes as a concentrated powder that you mix with an amount of water that gives you the consistency you want. It can be a bitch to get the recipe right. You can find advice for how best to mix it if you search online. Look here for more info about lubes.

Step 2: Train your ass

Very few people are going to be able to take a fist without first training their ass. And unless you’ve got a very patient and enthusiastic partner, you’re probably going to need to invest in a suitable toy.

You have two muscles that need to relax in order for you to take anything up your butt: your internal and external anal sphincters. Using a long, tapered toy (that starts small but increases in width the higher it goes up your butt) will help your butt get used to larger sizes.

To train for my first fist I found a plug-shaped toy that I used every other day (if not every day) to stretch my hole. I didn’t go too fast—you want to feel a stretch, but no pain. Once you work your way up to a size that’s similar to someone’s fist, it’s now time to find yourself a top.

Step 3: Find a good top

If you’re new to fisting as a bottom, you’re probably going to want to find someone who has experience as a fisting top. Your top needs to know that your muscles need to be relaxed before they can proceed. They should play with you before trying to fist you so that you have time to relax. Pick someone you’re comfortable with, and that you trust. You may need to be patient—use the time to keep stretching your hole, it will pay off when you play.

Step 4: Prevent STIs & other infections

Any sex comes with the possibility of sexually transmitted infections, and fisting is no exception.

The risk of transmitting or getting HIV from fisting is really low since HIV might only be passed between partners if there is an open wound on the fister’s hand. However, fisting rarely happens in isolation from other sex. Often, even if fucking isn’t part of the scene a top will jerk his cock while fisting his partner, so cum or precum can enter the fray. You should still talk about your HIV status with your partner and what precautions are appropriate to prevent HIV transmission.

Other STIs including hepatitis C might be more likely to be passed between partners in blood or anal mucous on the fist. Unlike HIV, hep C is a hardy virus that can hang around for a long time. That’s why you are cautioned not to share toys or lube between partners. If you give your toys a thoroughly good wash you should be good, but never share lube between bottoms. If you are fisting in groups, keep hold of your own lube for your own ass. In these scenarios it can be a real challenge, particularly when lost in passion, to ensure that lube from one person’s ass doesn’t make it up someone else’s. Other STIs like gonorrhea can also be transmitted through ass play because gonorrhea can be spread through touch.

Some people like to fist with gloves, some don’t. They can help increase smoothness around the fingernail but should never be a substitute for well-trimmed and smoothly filed nails. For some, gloves can heighten the erotic thrill, for others they can reduce the feeling of intimacy. If a top has hairy hands gloves can make entry easier, but if they are ill-fitting they’ll be uncomfortable to whoever is wearing them. Gloves can reduce the risk of transmitting STIs, particularly because it is quite normal for people to have minor cuts on their hands. Find more info about wearing gloves for fisting here.

Step 5: Know your limits

We already talked about how part of the attraction of fisting and other kinds of kink is the ability to push boundaries. People feel compelled to push themselves as far as they can go. But you might want to moderate how far you push yourself—especially when you are first starting out. You don’t want to break your new toy before you have time to enjoy it!

Get consent from your partner and make sure your partner hears your consent. Communication is important—especially if this is the first time for either of you.

How big is too big you ask? Well there are limits. For one, you’re limited by the size of the opening in the bones surrounding your ass (your pubic bones & coccyx). Listen to your body, and pay attention so that you avoid pain.

Step 6: Douche (or don’t douche)

Some people choose to douche before getting fucked. Others don’t feel the need to. With the amount of muscle movement that fisting involves, even if you don’t go deep, you’re probably going to need to clean out if you don’t want shit showing up.

Some tops are less tolerant about shit showing up during play than others. And most bottoms are far more worried about shit showing up than they actually need to be.

I think most tops understand that if you stick your hand up a person’s ass, there’s a risk of encountering something coming the other way. And some guys are particularly into that.

There are a few reasons why I prefer not to have shit be part of my fisting experience. For one, it’s not particularly comfortable. It’s grittier than lube and can cause more friction. And each to their own but I don’t know how you play in the mud on purpose without it getting everywhere (although I have heard tarpaulin is the answer).

I’ve found that there aren’t really any tricks that will 100% guarantee cleanliness during fisting. That said, one thing I do is to put in a large butt plug about a half hour before fisting. That sort of “speeds up the conveyor belt”—kind of tricking my body into thinking that it’s time to use the toilet. Pushing everything out before you fist, without having to go crazy with the douching, is a strategy that sometimes works for me.

Step 7: Play it cool if shit shows up

This rule is for both tops and bottoms.

Tops: You want your bottom to be happy and relaxed. Stressing out over your bottom not being clean enough will ruin the experience for both of you.

Bottoms: Don’t worry if you have to take a quick trip to the bathroom to clean up in the middle of things. Clean yourself up with toilet paper or jump in the shower and squirt a little water up your hole to rinse out. I’m inclined to avoid the shower shot. Most people I’ve played with who use it in the middle of play have brown water leaking out of them for maybe an hour of two afterwards and play has to be aborted. A douche bulb’s worth of water is much less risky.

Step 8: Enjoy it!

Fisting with people you have chemistry with can be an incredible experience. Take that fist, listen to your body, and go with it!